


The Embrace

by sparkinside



Category: AFI
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-07-11 11:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7047550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkinside/pseuds/sparkinside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were several things Jade had always been sure of and his relationship with Adam had always been one of them. But people and situations change and most times no one is prepared for the fallout.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So here I am trying my hand at writing again. It's been far too long. This piece is loosely based off of something that happened to a friend of mine and the idea for it has been kicking around in my brain for the longest time. Today my brain decided to cooperate. 
> 
> Disclaimer: None of this is real. I make no claims of ownership on any persons mentioned in this piece. I make nothing off of it other than a sense of pride and amusement.

It had started, simply enough, with a question. “Are you happy?”

That had taken Jade by surprise. Was he happy? Of course he was happy. Why shouldn’t he have been? He had a career he honestly enjoyed, a strong circle of friends he cherished, and a stable, steady relationship with a man he loved beyond reason. He was the happiest he had ever been.

And that, in and of itself, should have sounded alarm bells in his mind. Should have made him stop and wonder just what had prompted such a question. But Adam was forever asking random, and usually rhetorical, philosophical questions and Jade had paid it little mind.

“Of course,” he’d answered, eyes briefly darting up to the man in whose lap his head currently rested, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

As his eyes drifted closed once more, enjoying the warmth the man beneath him provided, he failed to notice the distant look in Adam’s blue eyes.


	2. I. Implosion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a work of fiction, I own nothing and no one in it. I make absolutely nothing from this other than a sense of enjoyment and pride.

A darkened apartment was all that greeted Jade as he arrived home. It struck him as odd. Adam was usually always home before him, the perks of working from home and for yourself.

“Ad?” he called, dropping his keys into the bowl on the end table nearest the door and his messenger bag onto a nearby chair.

No response. Maybe he ran out for groceries. They were starting to run dangerously low on actual, edible food. Or maybe he’d gone out with friends, it was Friday after all. That wasn’t too uncommon. But in the past, Adam had always called ahead to let him know. So he wouldn’t worry. And worry was Jade’s default reaction to most things. This was strange.

Jade pulled his phone from his pocket, hitting the home button causing the bright screen to flash briefly into life. No missed calls or texts. It was very strange.

He shook his head. _Never mind, it’s nothing. There’s no reason to worry. Adam’s fine. He just forgot to call. No reason to panic._ He was prone to working himself up over the stupidest things, one of the few bones of contention in their relationship, and he was damned if he let it happen now.

Jade padded into the kitchen and absently flipping on the florescent light, Jade found himself staring into the near barren fridge. Grabbing the near empty carton of soy milk from the door he set his mind to the task of fixing himself a bowl of cereal. Hardly the height of cuisine, it was one of the few edible things they had at the moment. Bowl in hand, he made his way back into the living room and settled onto the large sofa.

He ate absently before grabbing for his bag and pulling the latest manuscript he had been tasked with editing from it. It wasn’t quite to his taste, but it would pay the bills. He sat the now empty bowl onto the edge of the coffee table and settled himself into the task at hand.

Jade spent the next several hours reading through the manuscript in his lap, pen in hand. It wasn’t the most original thing he’d ever laid eyes on, but the story itself was engaging enough. The characters appeared well thought out and fairly well rounded and the pacing was fairly steady. There was far too much poetic language and unnecessary subplots which detracted from the over-arching story. But all in all it was a strong piece.

Silently, he added notes and changes to the margins and to the small notebook which lay beside him. When the words began to blur before his eyes, he set the manuscript and pen beside him on the couch and rubbed his eyes. It took several slow blinks for his eyes to adjust enough to read the clock hanging on the far wall. Quarter after ten.

He stretched his arms above his head, wincing as his stiff muscles protested against the movement. God, he was tired. He started at the papers sitting beside him. He would have to worry about emailing both the author and the publisher tomorrow. At this point he didn’t think he could form a coherent sentence if he had tried.

Without conscious thought he reached for his phone, which lay silently on the table. Still nothing. He pushed down the worry churning inside him. He was being ridiculous. Adam was an adult, he could take care of himself, and Jade certainly wasn’t his mother. He needed to relax. Staring at the darkened screen, he sighed to himself. One text, he told himself. One text wouldn’t be out of line. It was understandable.

His fingers flew over the digital keyboard without his conscious input. ‘Just making sure you’re alright. Miss you.’ He hit send before he could second guess himself and dropped the phone onto the couch. He wasn’t being unreasonable.

Jade shook his head, trying to clear his muddled thoughts. He needed to do something. His eyes fell on the empty bowl sitting on the table, perfect. Bowl in hand, Jade made his way into the kitchen and towards the sink. Methodically, he went through the motions. Turn on the water, rinse the bowl, grab the soap, wash, rinse the bowl, set it in the drying rack, turn off the water. It was mindless and simple. Something for his hands to do while his mind raced through the possibilities.

Adam standing by the side of the road, fighting to get the flat tire off of the bucket of rust he called his car. Adam caught up in god knows what, completely forgetting about Jade worrying. Adam lying in ditch unconscious.

“Stop it,” he muttered aloud. “Stop it. You’re being ridiculous. He’s fine. Just fucking stop it.”

He glanced at the green numbers of the microwave clock; ten-thirty. _Stop being ridiculous. He is fine and when he gets home there will be a perfectly rational explanation and you’ll feel stupid for worrying._

Jade forced himself to head back into the living room and settle once more onto the couch. He grabbed the television remote, absently turning on the flat screen. He would find something to distract him and he would be fine.

It took three tours around the channels before he settled on a sit-com. It was simple and stupid and would hopefully give him something to focus on. And that seemed to do the trick. He laughed at the stupid, predictable jokes and before long felt his eyes growing heavy. He blinked several times, trying to focus, but found himself utterly failing.

 

The sound of keys in the front door shook Jade from his sleep. He blinked rapidly, fighting the momentary disorientation. He watched the door slowly open and Adam’s tall form enter the apartment. Jade pushed himself up, watching Adam close the door behind him and turn towards the couch.

Adam jumped, his hands automatically clutching at his chest. “Jesus, Jade! You scared the hell out of me!”

Any other time this would have been quite comical; it was rare that Jade ever caught Adam off guard. Jade blinked a few more times, clearing his vision enough to read the clock. It was nearing two in the morning. “Where were you?”

“Out with Eric and Anna; lost track of time. Were you waiting up for me?” Jade couldn’t read the expression on Adam’s face.

“I was worried. You usually call when you’re going to be out.”

Adam sighed, leaning against the door. “It was a last minute thing. Slipped my mind.”

He fought the urge to yell. How do you just forget to call and tell someone you’re alright? Or at least answer a God dammed text message? “Just call next time. Or at least text me.”

Adam nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jade answered automatically, forcing a smile. “I’m just going to go to bed.”

That was the last they had spoken of it. And Jade forced himself to let it go. It was a stupid oversight on Adam’s part and going off the handle at him would have only made things worse.  
It wasn’t worth it.

But it happened again and kept happening. Each time Jade struggled with the uncertainty and anger he felt at Adam’s new found carelessness. This wasn’t the man he had known, the man he had fallen in love with. But as quick as the anger came, he squashed in back down. He was over-reacting; letting something trivial come between them. He was better than that. They were better than that. So it kept it to himself.

That should have been another warning sign. But he had paid it no mind. People changed, relationships changed. Jade understood that. There were bound to be some growing pains. He refused to let that sink what they had built. He loved Adam and Adam loved him. That was all that mattered. Whatever this was would sort itself out in the end. It had to.

 

It was a month later that everything seemed to come to a head. Jade pushed open the front door, dropping his keys in their usual spot, noting once again how quiet the apartment was.

“Adam?” he called, uncertainly.

“Back here.” Adam’s voice echoed from the back of the apartment; the bedroom. Jade placed his bag onto the couch as he passed, quietly making his way towards the room. The uncertainty ripping through him was unsettling. There was something off about Adam’s voice. Something he did not recognize in its tone.

Jade stopped short as he entered the bedroom, his eyes falling first on the opened suit case laying on the bed and next on Adam’s turned back as he moved to and from the closet grabbing various pieces of clothing and tossing them into the case. Jade watched dumbfounded.

“Adam?” Jade began uncertainly. “What’s going on?”

Adam appeared to steady himself but did not turn to face the man standing behind him. “I’m leaving.”

“Leaving?” Jade parroted, trying to wrap his head around the scene before him. To make sense if it. Leaving, why?

“It’s not working, Jade,” Adam answered simply, continuing to sort through his clothing. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“What?” Jade floundered. None of this was making any sense. He stated such as he moved farther into the room.

Adam turned at this, his face a cold, stony indifference. So far from the warm, caring man Jade loved. “We’re over Jade. We tried it and it didn’t work.”

“But it was working!” Jade shouted, surprising himself. He took a deep breath, trying to lessen the hysterical note to his voice. “It was working, Adam. I don’t understand.” The words tumbled from his mouth, clumsy and awkward. “Please Adam. Let’s talk about this.”

“No.” The finality of Adam’s tone startled Jade into silence. He didn’t understand. This didn’t make any sense. He watched in stunned horror as Adam removed pieces of himself from the place that had shared for years. This couldn’t be happening.


	3. II. The Fallout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a work of fiction, I own nothing and no one in it. I make absolutely nothing from this other than a sense of enjoyment and pride.

The silence in the apartment was stifling. It was such a stark contrast to the warmth and noise that he’d become accustomed to. God, it was maddening. He paced around the living room trying desperately not to think. Just a few moments of peace from the never ending torrent of thought would have been a blessing. It had been two weeks, two agonizing weeks since the world had imploded in such a spectacular fashion around him and Jade was still reeling from it.

He’d begged Adam to stay that night. Begged him to just sit and tell him what had gone wrong. What was so broken that he was convinced leaving was the only option? They had been through so much together. How could Adam be willing to throw away four wonderful years without even talking to him about it? 

The first week he had been convinced that it had all been some major misunderstanding. Adam wouldn’t just leave. He couldn’t. He would come back and they would sit and talk about whatever had happened and then everything would be alright. It had to be. It was the only way that made any sort of sense. Jade had been so certain of this. He had known it in his heart.

Jade had sat the entirety of that next day on the couch, phone by his side, waiting. It was only a matter of time, he reasoned. Adam would come back or at the very least call and explain. He wouldn’t just leave. So he waited; minutes turning to hours. He found himself checking his phone religiously making sure that he did indeed have four bars of service. Waiting. Hoping.

He had nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a rattling at the door. It was Adam, he knew it. But that momentary hope had been crushed by the whoosh then plop of that day’s mail falling from the mail slot and onto the wooden floor. Never mind, he told himself. He would come.

The phone had rung exactly once that day and it nearly killed him when he saw his brother’s name and not Adam’s on the screen. The conversation was brief; Jade had tried valiantly to sound as if nothing was wrong. Because nothing is wrong, he reasoned. This is just a stupid misunderstanding. Everything is fine. He could tell that Smith wasn’t completely convinced but didn’t press the matter.

As night began to fall, doubt began to plant its poisonous seeds in his mind. What if he didn’t come back? No, he would. He had to. Jade had to keep believing this. Adam had to come back. It was just a matter of time. But as the days slipped past and still no word from Adam the reality of what happened began to slowing sink in.

Then came the anger; bright, hot, and all consuming. How dare he? How dare Adam do this? Throw everything they had, everything they had built away. Four years. Four fucking years and he could just walk away like it was nothing. Like the life they had built was worthless.

He’d spent two days screaming and destroying any and everything that reminded him of Adam. Photographs that had been left behind, gifts and tokens of affection, anything he could get his hands on. The photographs he’d burned. He’d reveled in the rush of joy he’d felt as the image curled and caught flame.

It was only after that the dread at set in. They were gone now; every photograph, every letter, everything. Oh God, what had he done? He didn’t fight the tears that had come rushing from him. He wasn’t coming back. Dread snaked through him then, chilling and suffocating him. Jade collapsed onto the couch, and curled into himself. He lay for what felt like hours, as he tried desperately not to think. His world had fallen apart around him and he had been powerless to stop it.

He found it utter agony to drag himself through the motions of his life. To go to work, smile, act as though he was anything other than the mess he felt. But he had little choice. The world wouldn’t stop just because his tiny corner of it had been utterly decimated. So he pushed himself through.

Jade stopped himself from thinking Adam would come back. It was obvious now that wasn’t going to happen. It should have been sooner; Jade still hadn’t removed Adam’s key from the table where he had so unceremoniously dropped it that last day. It sat there taunting him and he ignored it the best he could. He forced himself to go out, to answer the phone when friends or his brother called. He tried.


	4. III. Half-Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this is fiction. Not real, never happened. I have no ownership of anything and make nothing from this.

The hardest part came in the most mundane and predictable way; a question. How was Adam? It was a punch to the gut and it had taken Jade several minutes to remember how to breathe. Of course someone would ask. It was only natural, no one knew about the devastation which had imploded his perfect little world. The words he managed to utter felt like glass and steel wool. Adam was gone. He didn’t know where and no he didn’t want to talk about it.

The looks of sympathy and bafflement weighed heavily on him. He didn’t want sympathy and just wanted Adam back, impossible as that now appeared. He just wanted his life to make sense again. Jade forced himself to ignore it. No one pressed the matter, though he knew his brother would at some point. Smith was incapable of leaving well enough alone.

So when he had, it didn’t come as a surprise. “You need to talk about it, Jade.”

Smith had never been one to mince words. If he thought it, he would say it. It was a trait Jade had usually admired in his younger brother. It was refreshing if not aggravating. But now it was unbearable.

“There is nothing to talk about. He ended it. Talking doesn’t change anything.” No matter how much he wished it did.

He fought to ignore the sympathy in his brother’s eyes. The last thing he wanted was anyone’s sympathy. “Jade…”

“No,” Jade shook his head, “It’s done. Can we just talk about something else?” He pleaded, searching for something, anything else. “How’s Maggie? Things are getting pretty serious with her right?”

Smith furrowed his brows, “Not gonna happen, brother mine. We’re not dropping this.” His expression softened. “You need to talk, man. You know you do. This isn’t something you should brush under the rug. I know you, Jade, it’ll just eat at you and you’ll take it out on yourself. I’m not gonna let that happen.”

Jade knew Smith was right; he was always right in these matters, frighteningly so. That didn’t make the prospect any less painful. Talking about it made it real and Jade wasn’t ready for it to be real. It made it something he would have to deal with. It was easier to just stuff it in a box inside his mind and ignore it completely until it stopped rubbing him raw. If it ever stopped.

Several tense minutes passed between them, Smith watching his brother expectantly and Jade trying desperately to think of some way, any way honestly, to get out of this. But he knew there was not one. Jade sighed, settling himself onto a nearby chair.

The whole story, as best Jade knew it came out, slowly at first then rushed and anxious. Jade tripped over his words as he told Smith about everything. The silence, the distance, the look in Adam’s eyes as he left; dropping his keys on the coffee table like it was nothing. He told him about the confusion, the guilt, the anger. Everything. Smith sat listening but not commenting, and for that Jade was grateful. Talking about it was difficult enough, he wasn’t sure he could have handled anything more.

Once he had finished Jade swallowed and looked at his hands, unsure of what else to do. He felt very raw and exposed; something he vehemently abhorred. He trusted Smith, otherwise he doubted he would have opened himself as he had. But that didn’t mean he had been ready to. “So that’s it. He just left and I don’t know what to do.” He rested his head in his hands forcing himself to breath.

He flinched momentarily when he felt Smith’s hand on his shoulder but willed himself to relax. “That sucks.” Jade laughed. Smith shrugged, “I call it like I see it. But in all seriousness, I’m sorry. I wish I could fix it.” He paused, looking at his brother’s hunched form, “I could always go knock some sense into him if you’d like.”

Jade scoffed, “He would wipe the floor with you and you know it.”

It was Smith’s turn to laugh, “Maybe. Maybe not. I’m a crafty son of a bitch.” He clapped his brother on the back. “You’re gonna be alright Jade. Not right away, but I know you and eventually you’ll be okay.”

Jade only nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He understood what his brother was trying to do, appreciated it even, but he wasn’t completely sure he believed it. Not now when it was still so fresh. But he promised himself he would try.

And try he did, with more earnestness than before. It was difficult at first, forcing himself to go through the motions, but he continued to push himself until it no longer felt like a chore. He found himself slowly beginning to enjoy spending the evening with friends. He almost found himself looking forward to them. 

It was a slow progress but Jade was beginning to feel as though things would get better. He was getting to know himself again; starting to understand who he was without Adam. It was terrifying but exhilarating. It would be a long road but for the first time he wasn’t completely terrified.

So naturally when the rug had been violently pulled from beneath him once again, Jade floundered.


	5. IV. Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I originally posted this chapter yesterday without objectively reading it through. And upon doing so today, felt it needed work. So here, again, is the fourth chapter of this tale. 
> 
> Happy reading
> 
> The usual disclaimers: This is a work of fiction, I own nothing and no one in it. I make absolutely nothing from this other than a sense of enjoyment and pride.

He felt as though all of the air had been knocked forcefully from him. He couldn’t think, could barely breathe. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. He didn’t know if he wanted to scream or to laugh at the latest twist in this ridiculous saga his life had become.

Married. Adam was getting married. It had barely been three months since they’d ended and Adam was getting married. Jade couldn’t wrap his head around it; couldn’t begin to make any sort of sense of it. It was ridiculous, comical really, if he had been capable of looking at it objectively.

He had honestly thought it was a joke when he’d first heard. A cruel and heartless one at that, but a joke nonetheless. And he’d laughed at the ridiculousness of it all but even then he hadn’t been fully able to squash the tiny flicker of panic that had snaked through him. 

They had been together four years. Four wonderful, chaotic years. He had thought he’d known Adam, understood him. Adam was dependable, predictable, honest, and, if he were being honest, hard-headed. Jade had always known where he stood within their relationship. He’d felt safe, secure, loved. He had been truly, completely happy and he would have wagered everything he owned that Adam had felt the same. But he had been wrong. He’d been blind and stupid and wrong and now he was alone.

But apparently Adam was not. It stung, the knowledge that he hadn’t been enough. That not only had Adam left him, he had found someone else. He was well and truly gone. 

 

The phone call had come on a sunny Wednesday afternoon. He’d barely managed to settle himself onto the couch for another riveting afternoon of editing when the sharp ringing of the phone broke the silence. 

He’d picked it up, glancing briefly at the screen. Smith. His brother had taken to calling him randomly throughout the day. Checking up on him. It was annoyingly endearing how Smith had fallen into an almost mother hen roll and Jade bore it with reluctant grace. Smith was just as stubborn has he was, fighting him on anything was an exercise in futility. 

“I’m fine, Smith. Just trying to get editing done. I’m not moping, I promise.” He joked, still absently scanning over the latest draft of the manuscript he’d been editing, waiting for Smith’s usual laughing response. 

But Smith didn’t laugh. Smith always laughed. 

Jade sat up straighter, pulling the phone away to make sure the call hadn’t accidently disconnected. “Smith, dude, you’re starting to freak me out. What’s going on?”

Another awkward silence. “Jade.”

“Yes?” Now he was getting worried. Smith was never this hesitant. With anything least of all talking with Jade. Something was wrong. Something had happened, and whatever the hell that something was it certainly wasn’t good. “Smith, whatever the fuck is going on, just spit it out!”

The line was silent for far longer than Jade was comfortable with. “I..um…ran into Adam today,” Smith admitted, his voice reluctant but determined.

“Oh,” Jade breathed, dropping the manuscript onto the couch beside him. “Please tell me you didn’t try to kick his ass. I really don’t have the funds to bail you out of jail or the right kind of insurance to cover any long term hospital stay.” 

He forced a laugh, trying in vain to cover the unease that was creeping through him. He had always known that eventually he or Smith would run into Adam. That didn’t mean he felt in any way, shape, or form ready for it.

“I might have punched him…A bit.”

Jade dropped his head into his opened hand, “Jesus, Smith, really?”

“The bastard deserved it. More really…” 

“Smith, it’s sweet that you feel the need to defend my honor,” Jade interrupted, he’d heard far more about just what his brother wanted to do to Adam than he’d ever be comfortable with. It was best to stop him before he really got himself going. “Fucked up really, but sweet. But dammit, he ended things between us. That was all. Yeah it hurt,” he winced, grateful that his brother couldn’t see, “But I’m getting over it. You don’t need to go punching…”

“He’s getting married,” Smith interrupted.

“What?” Jade shook his head, as if it would help clear out the confusion that had rapidly spread through him. There was no way he’d heard Smith right. No way. Adam couldn’t be getting married. Who the fucking hell would he be getting married to? No, he had heard Smith wrong. Or Smith was joking. His brother had a fucked up sense of humor and it was hard to put anything past him. But this was cruel. “Real fucking funny, asshole.” He breathed, fury clear in his tone.

“Jade, he’s getting married,” Smith whispered again, the sympathy in his voice was overwhelming. 

He felt as if he’d been struck a sudden, heavy blow. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. Several hundred overwhelming thoughts and emotions slammed into Jade at those words. This didn’t make any sense. None of this was making any sort of sense. How could Adam be getting married? They’d only been broken up three months. It didn’t make any sort of sense. Who the fuck was he marrying? Once Jade had composed himself enough to form coherent sentences, he demanded Smith explain himself. 

Adam had apparently been shopping downtown with his, and it pained Jade to think the word, _fiancée_ when Smith had stumbled into them. Her name was Anna. The name sparked something in Jade. _”I was out with Eric and Anna.”_ He’d felt sick. God how long had this been going on? How could he not have known? 

Smith didn’t know that much more, having punched Adam in the face as soon as he’d introduced her. After knocking Adam to the ground Smith had turned tail and left, not trusting himself to “not kill the fucking bastard then and there” as he’d put it.

“I’m so sorry, Jade,” Smith finished. “I just thought you deserved to know. I didn’t want you to stumble into it.”

He couldn’t fault his brother for telling him. God, he’d have done the same thing had their positions been reversed. But that didn’t make it hurt any less. It didn’t make it any less awful or surreal. 

Adam was getting married. Adam the one who had always shied away from any sort of concrete commitment was getting married. Jade still couldn’t wrap his head around it. They had been together for four years, only living together for the last year and a half of that time. And in less than three months Adam had decided that he was ready to spend the rest of his life with _her_. 

It was a sick sort of slap in the face. The thing he had never seen coming. He’d thought he was getting over Adam, getting over the loss of the person he’d loved more than just about anything. And now he was drowning again; caught in the middle of a raging sea with nothing to cling to. No land in sight. No hope.


	6. V. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, at the conclusion of this story. I've enjoyed getting into this Jade's head and exploring his journey. He's been a challenge. I want to thank Carrie (Seventh) for helping immensely with this. You, as always, are an amazing sounding board and cheerleader. 
> 
> Disclaimer: Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

The first few weeks after he’d learned the truth were brutal; both to himself and to those closest to him. Jade had retreated into himself, snapping viciously at anyone who dared to reach out to him. He was cruel and cold and he hadn’t cared. The only thing that had been real to him was his pain and his anger and he hadn’t the first real clue what to do with them. So he’d lashed out.

He didn’t care, couldn’t allow himself to. After all what had caring gotten him in the end? Adam had still left, had still lied to him, he was still alone. Caring didn’t make anything better. A small part of him knew that he was being ridiculous. That what he was doing, what he was allowing himself to become was unhealthy. It was just so easy to stomp that part of himself down; to ignore reason and common sense. 

It had taken a long time for Jade to crawl out of that hole he’d curled himself into. Once the oppressive cloud of pain and anger had begun to lift, Jade found himself floundering to make sense of the pieces he was left with. To rebuild the bridges he’d tried so enthusiastically to burn. 

It had been a spectacular screaming match with his brother that brought Jade back to his senses.  
How or why he couldn’t truly say. He’d found himself in the middle of telling Smith exactly where he could stick his concern, in explicit detail, when he began to laugh; loud, raucous laughter so at odds with the words that had been pouring from his mouth. 

Smith had stood there, dumbfounded as he watched Jade, red faced and tearing, sway slightly on his feet. He had barely uttered an incomprehensible “What the fuck, man?” as Jade sank to his knees, still laughing uncontrollably. He knew he must have looked utterly insane but couldn’t stop himself. This was ridiculous, every last bit of it. Painful, yes, but utterly ridiculous.

It had taken him several minutes to comprehend that Smith had been yelling his name with increasing levels of concern before Jade was able to pull himself together. He had managed to choke out “What?” between bouts of hoarse coughing.

“You’ve fucking lost it,” was all Smith was able to say in reply, as he watched his brother with growing concern and apprehension painted plainly on his features.

Jade nodded, “Probably.” He dropped his head into his hands and rubbed his face vigorously before turning his eyes up towards his brother once more. “Jesus, Smith, what the fuck is wrong with me?”

The expression that crossed his brother’s face would have been hysterical in any other setting. “Do you want the list alphabetically or chronologically?”

Jade fought to keep from bursting into laughter again. That certainly wouldn’t reflect well on his already questionable mental state. But it had been a close thing. God, he was really making a mess of things. It needed to stop, he needed to stop. He’d been pushing people away for far too long. It had been easier that way. Easier, yes, but certainly not better. And he was better than that. He needed to be.

“You probably do have a list, you bastard,” He shot back, offering his brother a weak smile with Smith returned.

“You bet your ass I do.” He offered his hand to Jade, pulling him to his feet. “Someone needs to keep your ass in line.”

“Funny.”

Smith grinned, “Without a doubt.” 

 

Things were far from perfect, Jade was well aware of that. He had pushed things and people away for so long that allowing himself to reach out was painfully awkward. It had become easier with Smith, the man had known the neuroses of his brother often better that Jade knew them himself. And he never hesitated to push Jade, no matter how stubbornly Jade refused.

Life came in stops and starts. Some days were easier; he could get up, go to work, interact with people, and pretend he was perfectly fine. Others were not; it was a struggle to complete the most mundane of tasks. Just making it through those days was a victory in and of itself. Those were the days he’d feel his resolve crumble and it was a battle to keep himself from grabbing the phone, calling Adam, and demanding to know why. Why had he done it? Why hadn’t Jade been enough? Why couldn’t he just end this pathetic charade and come home?

It was a battle, but he managed to keep himself from doing so. Calling wouldn’t do any good. It wouldn’t change anything. The man he had thought he’d known, the man he had loved, was nothing more than a stranger to him. The thought hurt. It cut far deeper than Jade cared to think on, the knowledge that the one person he had always believed he could count on for anything wasn’t the person he’d believed him to be. Misery was often his constant companion. He knew it was stupid, pathetically clichéd even, but it didn’t stop it from being true. Adam had been his rock for so long, one of the few constants in his life, and letting go of that was difficult, more so than he could have imagined.

Even now, months on, he had to stop himself from reaching out to Adam to vent when he’d had a crap day or when he’d thought of something funny he knew Adam would appreciate. The little things he never had to think twice about were the ones that stung the most. Change wasn’t an easy thing for him and old habits were stubbornly hard to break. He stumbled far more than he stood upright, but he kept pushing himself. 

It struck him as funny at times, how drastically his life had changed in such a short time frame. If anyone had told him a year ago that he and Adam would end the way they had, that Adam would be marrying someone else, he would have thought them utterly insane. He had never pictured his life without Adam in it, but it had happened. And he refused to let himself be worse off for it. 

And for the most part, he was content. He let himself be pushed out of his comfort zone, to try new things, meet new people. He tried to enjoy what he had now; work, family, friends. And it was one of the hardest things he had ever done. But slowly it got easier. He knew it would be a long while before he could say he was truly happy, there was still far too much shit he needed to work through, but he was happy enough. It was a start, a jumping off point, and he was determined to make the most of it.


End file.
